Couple's Therapy
My Perspective on Relationships
When trying to understand a complex topic, it’s often helpful to draw upon a metaphor. So historically, philosophers have tried to describe human beings with metaphors, like machines and computers. But I believe that most of these metaphors fall short in helping us understand ourselves. That is because human beings are inherently relational. We crave meaningful relationships with other people. This includes looking up to some people, looking down on some people, and finding friends with whom we share some sense of affection.
Yet, some relationships are distinct from all others because they provide a mirror by which we understand ourselves. The first such relationship is with our parents or caregivers, who hopefully provide us with love, identity, and direction in a manner that allows us to sustain a sense of trust.
Romantic relationships are similarly unique. In these intimate relationships, we seek to fulfill our basic needs for affection, admiration, closeness, esteem, support, respect, and love. When these basic needs are provided, we feel positive about ourselves, secure in our ability to deal with hardships, and capable of taking on new challenges. But when these are not consistently offered, people are likely to respond either with anger (pursue/attack) or despair (withdrawal).
Many intimate relationship problems can be described as characterizing a pattern of pursue and withdrawal. One partner is eagerly trying to satisfy their needs by engaging their partner, by asking questions, making observations, demanding closeness, or through criticism. These “bids” are meant to be opportunities to connect but often have the opposite effect. The other partner needs berated, overwhelmed, ashamed, or hurt. These feelings lead to emotional or physical withdrawal. Unfortunately, this makes the pursuer feel even more alone and rejected. So the cycle continues.
Approach to Couple's Therapy
In working with couples, I primarily use Emotionally Focused Therapy. In this approach, the therapist facilitates a new way of engaging with your partner. This is sort of like choreographing a new dance. Instead of pursuit and withdrawal, the goal is to help each partner communicate the underlying vulnerable emotions that are at play at any given moment. Oftentimes, the reactions of one partner may seem cold, harsh, or non-sensical, but in the context of their vulnerable emotions they are sensible (though unhelpful).
My role is to be curious about your inner needs and how they may be overlooked by sometimes innocuous events. Once I help you understand these emotions and why they arise, I help you express these feelings to your partner in a way that conveys their importance to you. So instead of criticizing the partner for not taking out the trash, we learn to communicate the feelings of disappointment and fear that arise when such moments occur.
The core of this approach is regaining a sense of love and care for each other. Intimate relationships are not fundamentally transactional. In fact, sometimes they are asymmetrical – with one partner doing more for the relationship for the other. This can still be healthy and satisfying for both partners if there is the foundation of a shared sense of mutual love and concern.
Working Through Tough Issues
Appointments
- $210 per 55 minute in-person couple’s therapy session